Savage weed

Due to the nature of the film Savages, the following initiative was submitted to the Colorado Title Board for inclusion on the state ballot this November. Regrettably, it failed to get the requisite number of signatures as film critics were too baked to be bothered to collect them.


Be it Enacted by the Filmgoers of the State of Colorado

Article XVIII of the constitution of the state of Colorado is amended BY THE ADDITION OF A NEW SECTION to read:

Section 16. Personal reaction to the depiction of marijuana and other elements of the film SAVAGES

(1) Purpose and findings.

(a) IN THE INTEREST OF THE EFFICIENT USE OF CRITICAL FILMIC RESOURCES, ENHANCING THE CINEMATIC EXPERIENCE FOR THE PUBLIC, AND INDIVIDUAL FREEDOM, THE FILMGOERS OF THE STATE OF COLORADO FIND AND DECLARE THAT THE WATCHING OF MARIJUANA USE, PRODUCTION, DISTRIBUTION, CONTROL AND ENFORCEMENT AS DEPICTED IN THE FILM SAVAGES SHOULD BE LEGAL AND ENCOURAGED FOR PERSONS SEVENTEEN YEARS OF AGE OR OLDER.

(b) IN THE INTEREST OF VIEWERS’ HEALTH AND SAFETY, THE FILMGOERS OF THE STATE OF COLORADO FURTHER FIND AND DECLARE THAT WATCHING THE FILM SAVAGES SHOULD BE REGULATED IN A MANNER SO THAT:

(I) INDIVIDUALS WILL HAVE TO SHOW PROOF OF AGE BEFORE PURCHASING A TICKET, OR BE ACCOMPANIED BY A PARENT OR GUARDIAN;

(II) SELLING, DISTRIBUTING, OR TRANSFERRING THEIR TICKET TO MINORS AND OTHER INDIVIDUALS UNDER THE AGE OF SEVENTEEN SHALL REMAIN FROWNED UPON;

(III) PERSONS WHO FIND THE FILMS OF OLIVER STONE AND/OR HIS POLITICS RADICALLY LEFTIST AND OUTLANDISH SHOULD BE WARNED THAT SAVAGES WILL INFLAME THEIR PASSIONS AND WILL LIKELY BE USED IN SUPPORT OF THE CAMPAIGN TO LEGALIZE THE RECREATIONAL USE OF MARIJUANA IN COLORADO; AND

(IV) THE SHOWING OF SAVAGES IN THIS STATE WILL BE SUBJECT TO ADDITIONAL CRITICAL ANALYSIS TO ENSURE THAT CONSUMERS ARE INFORMED AND PROTECTED.

(c) IN THE INTEREST OF ENCOURAGING RATIONAL DISCUSSION REGARDING THE TREATMENT OF ALL VARIATIONS OF THE CANNABIS PLANT, THE FILMGOERS OF COLORADO FURTHER FIND AND DECLARE THAT THE MESSAGES IN SAVAGES INVOLVING CANNABIS SHOULD BE REGULATED SEPARATELY FROM THE DISCUSSION THAT WILL ENSUE REGARDING THE POTENTIAL LEGAIZATION THIS NOVEMBER OF SOME STRAINS OF CANNABIS WITH LOWER DELTA-9 TETRAHYDROCANNABINOL (THC) CONCENTRATIONS.

(d) THE FILMGOERS OF THE STATE OF COLORADO FURTHER FIND AND DECLARE THAT THE STATE IS ALREADY “HIGH ENOUGH” AND THAT THE STATE’S NATURAL SPLENDOR PRODUCES A NATURAL HIGH THAT THE MATTERS ADDRESSED BY THIS SECTION ARE, EXCEPT AS SPECIFIED HEREIN, MATTERS OF STATEWIDE CONCERN.

(2) Definitions. AS USED IN THIS SECTION, UNLESS THE CONTEXT OTHERWISE REQUIRES,

(a) “FILMGOER” MEANS A PERSON WHO PURCHASES A TICKET TO SEE FILMS, BUT SUCH TICKETS ARE NOT FOR RESALE TO OTHERS, AND NO WARRANTEES REGARDING THE ENJOYMENT OF SUCH FILMS SHALL BE MADE UNDER SUCH PURCHASES.

(b) “MARIJUANA” OR “MARIHUANA” MEANS THE DEPICTION OF ALL PARTS OF THE GROWING, DISTRIBUTION, SELLING, USING, AND THE VIOLENT CONTROL OVER THE PLANT OF THE GENUS CANNABIS AND ESPECIALLY THE SEEDS THEREOF, WHICH ARE KICK-ASS STUFF AND HOTLY SOUGHT AFTER BY BAD-ASS MEXICAN DISTRIBUTORS.

(c) “RADICAL” MEANS THE FRENZIED AND GRAPHIC VISUALS THAT ARE CHARACTERISTIC OF MANY OLIVER STONE FILMS WHERE PEOPLE TALK IN HYPER-TECHNICAL CODE AND JARGON THAT IS SOMETIMES HARD TO FOLLOW ESPECIALLY CONCERNING THE CRIMINAL DRUG WORLD (WHICH IS DEPICTED HERE AS IF IT WERE A WALL STREET ENTERPRISE COMPLETE WITH MONEY LAUNDERING AND PERCENTAGES), THE CAMERA ZIPS AND SWOOPS AROUND, AND THERE ARE SPECIAL VISUAL FLOURISHES THAT DRAW ATTENTION TO THEMSELVES, SUCH AS EXTREME CLOSE-UPS, RAPID EDITS, MULTIPLE PERSPECTIVES AND CUT AWAYS TO NATURAL LANDSCAPES AND FEATURES; IT ALSO MEANS THE EFFECTS OF CANNABIS FOR THOSE WHO CHOOSE TO PARTAKE.

(d) “SAVAGES” MEANS A FILM, DIRECTED BY OLIVER STONE AND STARRING BLAKE LIVELY, TAYLOR KITSCH, AARON JOHNSON, JOHN TRAVOLTA, BENICIO DEL TORO, AND SALMA HAYEK, AMONG OTHERS, AND IS ABOUT TWO CALIFORNIA DUDES (ONE AN IRAQ WAR VETERAN, THE OTHER A GENTLE BOTANIST) AND THEIR SHARED GIRLFRIEND WHO MAKE HEINOUSLY POTENT CANNABIS FOR A LIMITED MARKET THAT A VICIOUS MEXICAN CARTEL WANTS TO APPROPRIATE, OR AT LEAST PARTNER WITH, AND WHEN THE TWO DUDES REJECT THE OFFER, THEY AND THEIR GIRLFRIEND FIND THEMSELVES IN SOME RADICALLY DEEP TROUBLE.

(e) “UNREASONABLY IMPRACTICABLE” MEANS THAT THE MEASURES NECESSARY TO COMPLY WITH THE REGULATIONS REQUIRE SUCH A, UM, HIGH INVESTMENT OF RISK, MONEY, TIME, OR ANY OTHER RESOURCE, ASSET OR MENTAL STATE THAT THE VIEWING OF AN OLIVER STONE FILM, AND SAVAGES IN PARTICULAR, IS NOT WORTHY OF BEING ENDURED BY A REASONABLY PRUDENT FILMGOER.

(3) Personal patronage of Savages. NOTWITHSTANDING ANY OTHER PROVISION OF LAW, THE FOLLOWING ELEMENTS OF SAVAGES ARE NOT UNLAWFUL AND SHALL NOT BE AN OFFENSE UNDER COLORADO LAW OR THE LAW OF ANY LOCALITY WITHIN COLORADO OR BE A BASIS FOR COMPLAINT OR DISPLEASURE FOR PERSONS SEVENTEEN YEARS OF AGE OR OLDER:

(a) WEAVING IN MANY REFERENCES TO THE IRAQ WAR AND THE DEBATE ABOUT OUR INVOLVEMENT THEREIN, THE MILITARY TECHNIQUES EMPLOYED BY COMBATANTS, AND THE DELETERIOUS EFFECTS SUCH TECHNIQUES HAVE HAD ON THE INDIVIDUALS WHO HAVE COME BACK FROM TOURS OF DUTY, AS OLIVER STONE CONTINUES HIS CINEMATIC FIXATION ON THE VIETNAM WAR AND SIMILAR MILITARY ENGAGEMENTS AS WELL AS HIS KNOWLEDGE THAT FILMS EXPRESSLY ABOUT THE IRAQ WAR HERETOFORE HAVE NOT BEEN COMMERCIALLY SUCCESSFUL.

(b) A DIME BAG FULL OF CLICHES REGARDING THE VIOLENCE PERPETRATED BY DRUG CARTELS AND THE SINISTER, AMORAL, BACKSTABBING, RUTHLESS, SWAGGERING, HUBRIS OF THE LEADERS AND MINONS OF SUCH CARTELS, MUCH LIKE HIS SCRIPT FOR SCARFACE WITH AL PACINO.

(c) THE GROWING DISBELIEF THAT SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA SURFER-DUDE WHITE GUYS WOULD BECOME NOTORIOUS POT GROWERS AND DISTRIBUTERS BECAUSE, WELL, DUDE, WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO DO WHERE YOU CAN MAKE BEAUCOUP BUCKS GROWING AND SELLING SOMETHING THAT IS NATURAL AND ORGANIC SO THAT YOU CAN KICK-BACK AND HANG AND PERIODICALLY HAVE MAD, PASSIONATE SEX WITH YOUR GORGEOUS SHARED GIRLFRIEND AND EVEN HAVE A RADICAL MENAGE-A-TROIS...UH, LIKE WE FORGOT WHERE WE WERE GOING WITH THIS.

(d) CONSUMPTION OF MARIJUANA WHEN WATCHING SAVAGES, PROVIDED THAT NOTHING IN THIS SECTION SHALL PERMIT CONSUMPTION THAT IS CONDUCTED OPENLY AND PUBLICLY IN THE THEATER OR IN A MANNER THAT ENDANGERS OTHERS, AND PROVIDED BALLOT INITIATIVE 30 PASSES IN COLORADO THIS NOVEMBER.


(e) ASSISTING ANOTHER PERSON WHO IS SEVENTEEN YEARS OF AGE OR OLDER TO SEE ANY OF THE ACTS DESCRIBED IN PARAGRAPHS (a) THROUGH (d) OF THIS SUBSECTION WHEN THAT PERSON IS OPPOSED TO OLIVER STONE’S FILMS AND/OR HIS POLITICS, FILMS WITH GRAPHIC VIOLENCE, SLIMY AND SCENERY-CHEWING PERFORMANCES BY JOHN TRAVOLTA, BENICIO DEL TORO, AND SELMA HAYEK, OR WHO WOULD OTHERWISE FIND THIS FILM UNREASONABLY IMPRACTICABLE TO ENDURE.

(4) Medical marijuana provisions unaffected. NOTHING IN THIS SECTION SHALL BE CONSTRUED:

(a) TO LIMIT ANY PRIVILEGES OR RIGHTS OF A MEDICAL MARIJUANA PATIENT, PRIMARY CAREGIVER, OR LICENSED ENTITY AS PROVIDED IN SECTION 14 OF THIS ARTICLE AND THE COLORADO MEDICAL MARIJUANA CODE TO DISPENSE CANNABIS TO PEOPLE WISHING TO SEE SAVAGES SO AS TO HELP ENDURE THE VIOLENCE, CLICHES AND OTHER ASPECTS THAT ONE MAY FIND UNREASONABLY IMPRACTICABLE AS COLORADO CURRENTLY ALLOWS SUCH USE OF CANNABIS TO ALLEVIATE SUCH PAIN;

(b) TO SUGGEST THAT MARIJUANA IS NOT EFFECTIVE FOR ITS MEDICAL PROPERTIES AS SAVAGES CONVENIENTLY CONTAINS A CHARACTER, SPECIFICALLY THE WIFE OF THE FBI AGENT (PLAYED BY JOHN TRAVOLA) WHO IS DYING OF CANCER AND SO PROVIDES THE PLOT POINTS NECESSARY FOR THE FBI AGENT TO HELP THE TWO SURFER-DUDE DEALERS IN ORDER TO EXTORT SOME OF THEIR HIGH THC-LACED CANNABIS FOR HIS AILING WIFE, EVEN THOUGH HIS WIFE COULD GET WHAT SHE NEEDS LEGALLY IN CALIFORNIA AS THAT STATE PASSED A LAW ALLOWING MEDICINAL MARIJUANA USE IN 1996;

(c) TO DETRACT FROM THE MESSAGE THAT THE OUTLAWING OF CANNABIS USE (OTHER THAN FOR MEDICINAL PURPOSES) IS THE REASON WHY THERE IS SO MUCH VIOLENCE SURROUNDING DRUGS AND IF WE WOULD, AS PETER TOSH SO ELOQUENTLY ENTONED “LEGALIZE IT, DON’T CRITICIZE IT,” THEN THE WORLD WOULD BE A HAPPIER PLACE AND WE COULD ALL HANG AT THE BEACH DRINKING BREWSKIES AND SURFING; OR

(d) TO KEEP A FILMGOER FROM THEORIZING THAT THE WHOLE MOVIE IS, LIKE, NOTHING BUT A RADICAL DREAM OR DRUG INDUCED FANTASY BY THE NARRATING GIRLFRIEND AS SHE TAKES LOTS OF HITS OFF MANY BONGS AND EVEN SHOWS US AN ALTERNATE ENDING THAT IS SO LIKE THE ENDING OF BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID, AND, LIKE WHOA!, THEY EVEN TALK ABOUT THAT FILM IN THIS FILM, AND YET THE “REAL” ENDING IS SO, LIKE, A LET DOWN, BUT PROBABLY MORE REALISTIC BUT STILL COULD BE MADE UP AFTER HAVING ANOTHER COUPLE HITS FROM THE PIPE, AND, LIKE, HEY MAN, QUIT BOGARTING MY CANNABIS!

(5) Self-executing, severability, conflicting provisions. ALL PROVISIONS OF THIS SECTION ARE SELF-EXECUTING WHEN SAVAGES IS VIEWED, AND ARE SEVERABLE, AND, EXCEPT WHERE OTHERWISE INDICATED IN THE TEXT, SHALL SUPERSEDE CONFLICTING CRITICAL IMPRESSIONS AND INTERPRETATIONS.

(6) Effective date. UNLESS OTHERWISE PROVIDED BY THIS SECTION, ALL PROVISIONS OF THIS SECTION SHALL BECOME EFFECTIVE UPON OFFICIAL DECLARATION OF THE VOTE HEREON BY PROCLAMATION OF THE GOVERNOR, AND SHALL BE RETROACTIVELY APPLICABLE TO THE DATE OF THE OFFICIAL RELEASE OF SAVAGES IN COLORADO, UM, LIKE, WHENEVER THAT IS, ‘CAUSE DUDE, WE WE’RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION.

The Statesman film critic really tells it like it is. We hold Doug Young in really high regard, for sure.